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    SLCentralArticlesArticles May 9th, 2021 - 8:15 PM EST
    You Think You're Not A Nerd
    Author: JonnyGURU
    Date Posted: August 16th, 2001

    You Think You're Not A Nerd

    In my job I often end up going to AMD, Intel and Microsoft seminars and press conferences. When I meet some of the other techs at these get-togethers, I'm often reminded of the Simpson's character simply named, "Comic Book Guy".

    Do any of you remember this Simpson's episode?

    "Oh hurry up; I'm a busy man. Ugh, this high-speed modem is intolerably slow."

    Comic Book Guy's download of his ultimate Star Trek Voyageur adventure with Captain Janeway is interrupted by a banner advertisement for Homer Simpson's new venture: The Internet King.

    "Hey, what the? Huh, the Internet King. I wonder if he can provide faster nudity."

    The scene changes to Homer's office.

    "Welcome to the internet my friend," Homer says, "how can I help you?"

    Comic Book Guy responds, "I'm interested in upgrading my twenty eight point eight kilo baud Internet connection to a one point five megabit fiber-optic T-1 line. Will you be able to provide an IP router that's compatible with my token ring Ethernet LAN configuration?"

    There's more to Comic Book Guy's character that I find amazingly dead on in comparison to my comrades in the PC industry. Other than just his need for the occasional Internet porn, his attendance at Star Trek conventions or Springfield's own Bi-Con Sci-Fi-Con as well as him amazingly anal attention for detail that will drive him up the wall if one minute detail is not completely correct or at least "confirmable via a web page pertaining to the subject" make this character a spitting image of your typical "PC tech/computer nerd".

    You know he's a nerd when during a "MENSA" meeting, our friend, inspired by the most logical race in the galaxy, the Vulcans, decides that breeding will be permitted once every seven years. "For many of you this will mean much less breeding, for me, much, much more."

    So, you think you're not a nerd?

    You sit in front of the computer and read columns by people like me, and you think you're not a nerd.

    Let me go out on a limb and say that right now, you're sitting there wearing a T-Shirt that you got for free. If not "free", perhaps through a "hot deal" forum. Were rebates involved?

    Drinking coffee? No? Then you might be drinking Mountain Dew, Red Mountain Dew, Bawls, Open Cola, Red Bull, Whoopass, Dr. Enuf, 180, Sky Rocket, Jolt, Water Joe, Chai, Power Café, X, XTZ or just a simple bottle of Starbucks Frappuccino.

    Oh...It's the middle of the night and you need to come down from that caffeine buzz? I'm sorry. Forgive me. Whew! But your breath needs some help. I'll wait here while you grab an Altoid?

    So you say you need to come down slowly? Well, at least Warp and Penguin mints have some caffeine in them. That should do the trick. Sort of like treating a hangover with beer.

    Besides, you've got to keep that breath fresh in case that Papa John's driver is a woman.

    Want some advise? Tip well.

    Speaking of mints, why do they have to be either really strong or caffeinated? What happened to a good old fashion Tic Tac?

    Mmm... Orange Tic Tacs.

    By the way, wash your hair more often.

    I'm thinking that you might idolize one of the following bands: Weezer? They Might Be Giants? Radiohead?

    Some of you seem to have a harder edge and like Tool, Godsmack or Staind.

    Brittany Spears? Only if she's barely dressed in the form of a JPEG.

    I'm sorry... Did I interrupt your sitting of X-Files? No? Babylon 5? No?!?!? Stargate SG1? Don't tell me you're a Trekkie! That's so 8088! Oh...just Voyager? Yes. 7 of 9 is pretty hot.

    Has anyone ever told you that you could use some sun?

    Now, I'm not going to say that you don't get out any.

    Level with me, you've got a login for's forums, the Hardforums, the Anandtech forums and the AMD Zone.

    Average of 20 posts per day ON EACH FORUM?! Do you work for a living?

    I'm sure you have some sort of a social life. Fridays are for movies. Saturdays are for LAN parties. Did you get to see the Final Fantasy movie? Cool, eh? I heard you were on Pricewatch trying to find a video card that would be capable of pulling off those kinds of graphics.

    Ok, occasionally you go out for a beer with the guys, right?

    My guess is that when you go out, you talk about:

    • How's the Tualatin
    • How's ATI's Smartshader technology
    • Did you see that case mod on Hard OCP yesterday?
    • Will AMD ever come out on top over Intel?

    Oh wait...I'm sorry. You don't actually discuss any of this stuff over beer?

    I'm actually giving you good ideas of things to discuss over beer?

    That's cool. I'll wait here while you punch these subjects into your PDA.



    Speaking of PDAs...I know you keep names and addresses on your PDA. Who doesn't? Do you read novels on your PDA?

    Be honest.

    I had a friend back in college that played the old arcade game "Joust" on his HP graphing calculator.

    Now THAT guy was a nerd!

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